The sun came back, and everyone seems to be happy for it.
I’ve been told that Buenos Aires of summer period is another city than that of winter, and after the end of August of rain and wind, it finally seemed that the spring (or the summer) has landed sound and safe here in this city. I decided to take a walk, so I left home but I returned after 5 blocks of walking. Seeing so many people running, biking, enjoying the sun shirtless, I couldn’t help myself but riding a bike as well as them to enjoy the maximum sun that has risen this day. I took out my bike, then started pedaling. I went all the way down to the Plaza Francia so that I could have a coffee with my fellow friend, then later I came back to the Plaza Las Heras. I put my bike down on the grass and started to enjoy the sun (Today was the first day that I’ve put a short and a summer T-shirt).
Frankly for me, this plaza is the most adorable public place of all Buenos Aires spots. So many movements of vehicles and pedestrians maybe sometimes conclude to physical conflicts, in that I’ve witnessed some traffic accidents right around this plaza, but most of the time these movements bloom as a representing city life. It is quite a postmodern human act, in the way that such individuals gather in a public place, sharing the same physical place but generating the very different memory in diverse and separated groups. There is no possession but only connection. All are visible and transparent, even the smoke of ‘un porro’ flies throughout the group boundaries. You can overhear what other group is talking. Some read books, some laid down to take a nap, some smoked, some worked out, and some chated. We are to be seen, to be expressed, to enjoy and to be gazed. We engage such act, by doing human photosynthesis. We absorb the gaze and reproduce the joy; it’s called human interaction.
I enjoyed the chat with my friend. We talked a lot of life, of relationship, of being foreigner in this city, and of course, of gaze. And those gazes in human interaction generate envy, as an old Spanish quote mentioned ‘De tu envidia nace mi fama (From your envy comes my fame)’. So to cut off the unnecessary envy that I was generating to myself, I stop gazing, and by doing so, closing my eyes and listening inner me than the rounding environment, I slipped into meditation. My palms were up to absorb the sun heat. The warmness welcomed from the palms, then traveled through my vein until it hit the heartbeat. There were an inner sound, regulated by air breath, suppressed to move down to stomach and inner organs. From where the warmness settled, the body found a balance. I wasn’t there to move, but just to breath to nourish the very balance. There were some voices of people around talking, but the volume got down to zero at some point leaving me plain change of colours. The balance came to me as in red, then changed to purple, yellow, and some time to blue, then it became a single horizontal line, just as it is to be seen when the television turns off. It was a sharp single line.
I got scared for two reasons; the worry of losing the pure concentration for that sharp single line, and the uncertainty of where this line would take me to. But I worried more going back to physical world, so I stayed focus in that uncertainty. The more I stayed in the sharp horizontal line, I got more scared. The sun kept getting in my vein through my palms. Then there I started to feel cutter on my right wrist. It was somewhat scratching, bothering and irritating scalpel that cuts living and dead body on the table, but I refused to move. I was there put as an experiment. I wanted to grab my right wrist to make sure that it was just an unreal sensation but I couldn’t lose my balance. It was an unreal sensation but a sharp one. It was the very uncertainty. I exhaled. I couldn’t inhale more. I was just there hanging. The more I was hanging, the more strongly I could feel the heartbeat; the desire of life. The single line became a line in the hospital monitor; it showed my heartbeat. It was an horizontal line, which declared my death. I maybe was dead from the beginning. I was hanging there by the line.
The air gave me a sigh. I felt my lungs expanding. There were no sensations, or worries. I felt relieved, seeing again all different colours combined. There were sons of the sun, playing mischievous and lively. I opened my eyes. There were no more gazes. There were only my reflections of me being. The very sole possibility of existance that was born from the first expansion of universe has lead us to different forms of being. But still, there is only one existance, which is the life, and every other form remains as a reflection of the sole life. My relief was an unpacked present for me, which gave me a bigger inner peace. Then I heard my friend talking to me,
– Welcome back.
We knew it was the time to leave. The sun was almost setting and I’ve lost my warnmess after I got back. I began to feel coldness, the absence of the warness. I grabbed my bike from the grass. We crossed the plaza Las Heras, then I saluted my friend at Santa Fe avenue and Coronel Diaz street. I pedaled bike, slipping away into the traffic. I felt alive, so I wanted to aventure a bit more before home, so I took a different path than usual. Then I saw this;
It was a single line, the horizontal one which examined the absence. The shoes were hanging there, but they belonged to none. The ex-owner of those shoes was to go nowhere without them. We live like this; trapped in singularity. Again, it wasn’t to be defined as living. It was just a trapped self-destruction. Maybe we are taught this as a stable and predictive style of living. But this singularity is something we need to superb. We no more live in the past, and yet we don’t know how to evolve. The self has evolved from the singularity to complexity, and yet we refused to live as a self, as a being.
I loved today, this Sunday of September in Buenos Aires. I would love to say that I want to keep this as a Sunday routine, but by saying this I would be contradicting what I’ve learn today. Yes, there are more future than past, and I get to walk endless path rather than trap myself in the hamster’s treadmill.