One might get messages from his or her exes which can be considered as an awkwardness. These days I’ve been living in such awkwardness, and by not knowing how to make a proper response, I’ve tended to be a bit indifferent. Eventually, it wasn’t me who crossed the line off but them, maybe because I’m not dramatic enough but boring, or because I constantly move around from country to countries, which I completely understand since I’m not moving around for a type of business trip then coming back, rather I move out for good and never go back just as I don’t tend to go back to past where I was. I’ve become indifferent of those messages I used to get from my exes, letting them know I’m quite not focused on their messages. This usually generates a tension or disappointment from their side, but I’ve put the best I could give of my energy and my attention during the intimacy period, so there reminds no regrets for me to respond and contact at the current moment.
This way of thinking changed when I recently got a message from Cuba. Time shapes differently for each one of us, and according where we live at the moment. Small talks were the beginner of our conversation, even though we both knew how much I dislike small talks. Buenos Aires is getting cold specially after sunset. Cold air invades my clothes that I need to put on a protection sweater or at least a long-sleeve. Still at home I have some people I can hug, as the home environment is getting warmer than before. Cuba, on the other hand, is still hot from the bright sun. “The Caribbean would be your paradise…”, he said. I know it could be, recalling my experience of having lived in Panama. But I couldn’t handle well the monsoon season when all day I had to be stuck inside watching the raindrops hitting the window faces. Anyway for more than one year he kept messaging me and I’ve been responding with mean attitude, and now it got me to think that I shouldn’t keep being like such; those who make you angry and anxious are those who have dominance over you.
So instead of being bothered by those keep-coming-messages, I decided to be dominant to myself only, letting no other person to dominate my emotions. I started to feel gratitude of him for having kept trying for such a long time constantly to communicate with me. I know, and we all know, that the time has passed and we are not a priority for each other anymore, but seldom hellos wouldn’t hurt anyone. We talked about the little prince book that I gave him as a gift and a book that I wrote in handwriting of the memories we shared. He told me that he sleeps putting the little prince book on the pillow next to his head since the book has taught him much about what we had talked about relationship presented by the little prince, the fox and the rose. I remembered saying that our relationship was that of the little prince and the fox, then he corrected me that it was that of the little prince and the rose. Actually in that sense he understood well the message of the book, which made me be touched by those words.
I could see in the picture those yellow books that he brought back when he was on the way to the airport. Among all books, he wanted to keep those because they were in a series of his specialty and might be useful for thesis that was to presented on last April. Working in the United Nations and at the same time as a professor, he might be worn out from monotonous life that has been a repetition day to day, month to month, and maybe year to year. It might be a fear of isolation that has driven him to write to me, or genuinely was the love he didn’t scoop out when I was yet around. I realised at this point that I might have a distorted perspective of trustworthiness. To be frank, sometimes quite accidently I think that people say that ‘you are a good person’ because they happen to use you, intentionally or non-intentionally. People say that they like you because they don’t handle the silence between not disliking and not loving. In such a wholeheartedly warm Latin culture, Besos or ‘Te quiero’ might contain no more seriousness but just a substitution for ‘Adiós’. I have believed that words don’t weigh anymore, and the responsibility has been buried between the dusty words.
Perhaps it’s just not. Maybe I am just too serious on those empty words. Maybe I need to learn how to not take those seriously, just as everybody else does. Eventually I’ll learn how to act like a social person. Yet I’m trying to be a normal person who acts of common sense, and according to this common sense, the constant messages from Cuba genuinely represents his feeling toward me. I should be more considerate on responding messages, which I find quite hard thing to do; to reverse what I have done as a tendency. Surely, it’s not something impossible and I need it to be done soon. Still I admit that we are not a priority to each other, so I’m not going to be sucked of my time having this matter occupy my mind; this is also what I should learn from now on. Once one of my German friends argued with me about not responding right away to WhatsApp or any other social medias. She convinced me that it is okay not to respond or not to have a reply. I argued that no one is too busy to not respond a message when he or she sees it, rather it is just a matter of priority. So he or she decides not to respond in spite of being on mobile phone constantly and seeing all messages through the locked screen. Not responding just demonstrates his or her priority which I am not in. But she argued that from deep down we all are tired of constant focus on technology and sometimes people just forget to respond, which doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she was ignoring.
The Caribbean maybe is the paradise for me. I don’t get along with winters, nor like to put many layers of clothes. The Caribbean sea doesn’t smell like a seaweed, and it is quite transparent enough to see the bottom ground. I appreciate the tender physical affection that people deliver every encounter. Maybe there I find a person who genuinely cares me, and back and forth.
It’s an adventure, and yet hasn’t ended.