A soul crossed the Pacific 

There says that there is a recently dead, when touched by a butterfly. He or she wants to say goodbye as a soul formed into a butterfly. Quite romantic and mysterious it sounds, but as it sounds superstitious, it contains more weight of attention. Why a butterfly? What is that this symbol contains in our literal and psychological aspect? A small flapping of a butterfly can cause a disastrous tsunami across the ocean is what we have in our literal mind? Even this relations of soul and reality, chaos and order, have been proven?

My grandfather passed away last month, and it took a month for him to cross the Pacific to say goodbye to me. 

Maybe it should be a butterfly because a small change of emotion and information at one moment of the past can alter a moment of my current and future in any way.

I was on a bus, on the way to northern part of Buenos Aires to realise a voluntary work for a NGO that day. I got a phone call, informing me that the grandfather had passed away. 12 hours of difference, so it was during the day over there across the Pacific. I was relieved that I was awake to receive that phone call. I used to sleep in Friday morning so if it were a normal circumstance I’d have lost the phone call sleeping in bed. Something happened that day to change my mind to be a early bird to peck morning worms.

– We know that you can’t come for the funeral, and it’s okay. We just wanted you to know.

Maybe it was a geographical distance, or maybe it was a psychological vulnerability that made me not be able to attend his funeral. I heard his funeral would be as a Buddhist ritual.

This time my grandfather’s butterfly touched me. But what about next time? Will my life be like such onward, letting me be in difficult situation of attending my loves’ life events? Happiness triples and sadness cuts in pieces when shared. Last year I was invited to Ibiza, Spain, for my friend’s marriage. I was officially invited but for the moment I was unable to make a long trip. This time, for different reasons, I couldn’t either.

I felt pity of letting this vulnerable bufferfly fly all across the vast ocean. He must have been cold and tired, dying of thirst. When the butterfly touched me resting on my torso, few minutes later he died, falling off.

Should one live near others? What else way I can demonstrate my condolences and joy across this vast psychological distance? Technology permits us to send words and letters but those also demonstrate indifference and emptiness.

I felt vulnerable in front of this situation and I’ll be ever vulnerable like such more often. That will be my burden residing abroad. It won’t be ant compensation for others not for myself, but still the fact that sometimes crying in front of others can be egoistic than swallowing poisonous tears in without showing off.

I know, I’m still vulnerable, and I hope it’s just okay.

Rest in peace, grandpa.

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