When I moved to Mexico City and later to Santiago de Chile, I really didn’t think if it would be hard to find a place to live for my station in those cities. I was just jumping in, out of rootless confidence that I would find something that suits me. And it was the very accurate act that one could do, just as diving into water, in that the more hesitate without confidence one becomes the more damage could be done by jumping in. I had my university and my workplace as the guarantee in those moment of moving so I didn’t try to find beforehand where to stay for my station in those cities. I just arrived to the airport, then stayed in hostal, couch-surfing or friends’ house for a few days then eventually found best places to settle down. Well, to be frank, it became later a best place to live because I invested in the place to convert it decent. Sharing as also an important part to make home feel home. The cohabitation with other housemates and flatmates were also an important element that they also had to know the value of proper sharing, not of being utilitarian.
Then I compared the time I moved to Buenos Aires and later to Paris. These moments I recall as a bit disturbing moments since I had heard from many people that it wouldn’t be easy to find a good and cheaper place in those cities. So even before I tried to find places to settle down, I was already shrunk. I was reluctant to call the flat announces, and also was out of confidence in such matter. It was only later that I realised that I was jumping in anyway, and the more hesitant I would become the more damage I would hit when to reach the surface. I cannot blame others who provided me advices and worries mentioning of the difficulty to find a settling place. Giving fear was their way to demonstrate the care. It was myself that received that care as they wanted to implant in my head.
Recalling of Buenos Aires and re-examining Paris, there are many places actually to settle down. Not just places but decent places. Surely, there are hysterical and greed landlords exploiting tenants at a mayor level. But if I may need to find another place now, I’d be with more confidence in localising and finding a new place to stay. It’s also an experience to get over with, but at the same time, it’s an opportunity-cost period that could have been prevented.
So when there were mal-nurtured words, I should be alert and not taking the pill that chews up my confidence. It’s also what a pedagogic science has proven. One wouldn’t tell his children that the world is a hard place to confront, because, first of all it’s a psychological violence that embeds and replants past generation’ limitation, and secondly the world ahead is very different from the world before, so the advice wouldn’t really suit up for any cases. So I should have been smarter and asked: “how many times have you tried to find a place in Paris before you giving me the advice that it is really difficult to find a place to live in Paris?”, or “Are you just passing negative words that you’ve heard before, passing on verbal and psychological violence to limit my confidence and capacity?”. That wasn’t a care. If they cared enough, they would have helped me directly to find where I could stay, not just threating that my start would be difficult and miserable. That’s the basic moral of giving advice, and I’m glad that actually some of friends acted to help me.
My personal preference has been clarified as well through the past lessons. If it’s not the case to live alone, I rather have 3 housemates than just having one other housemate. The multilateral dynamic of 3 or 4 people compensates the bilateral interaction of two people. Sharing dinner and cooking time is also important, I learned. Some people want to be independent, cooking only for themselves and not sharing, but not overcoming independency to reach interdependency demonstrates the lack of maturity in human interaction, and they eventually become utilitarian, taking advantage of others when they can, because they only see others’ dependency on them not the other way around.
The lessons I conclude became clear: I wouldn’t let other negative and limiting advices have influence on me. I have two concrete measurements now, which are compassion and evidence. Is that advice from empathy that accompanies a helping action, or just an empty word? Is that advice based on evidence or just on political intention (political intention in that the availability of giving advice locates them in a superior position in the relationship)? In the past, I got psychologically paralysed by some initial advices when moving to new places. I had less confidence which later resulted in domino effects. But lessons are learned now, and I should not repeat the pattern.